Experience and Books

I'm sure most people read things they can relate to. There are a lot of books I read that I can't picture myself in, but which still resonate with me for some reason. That's partially why I read fantasy and science fiction - I've always had an active imagination and I love picturing other worlds and the people in them. I can relate to them because they seem like a place in which I would love to live.

I also read some non-fiction that speaks to me. I was sent a copy of Struck by Living by Julie Hersh through the Goodreads giveaway, and I was so happy I won because I have struggled with depression for a long time, and it was exciting to get to read a book by someone who's been there before.

First, a little background. From fourth grade through my junior year of high school I was bullied by the daughter of the school superintendent and her friends. In fourth grade she spent most of her energy on becoming my friend, then picking on me, then convincing me she was joking, and doing it all over again. I know, it was kind of dumb of me, but I moved to the school district halfway through the school year, I was the new kid, and I wanted friends. To be honest, the only memories I have of my life before I moved are happy, filled with friends and funny stories (even the ones in which I got into trouble). After I moved, there are still some happy memories, but a lot of my memories revolve around the bullying.

I obviously wasn't popular, if it was the popular kids who were picking on me. I did have a lot of friends, but we weren't what I would call the "in" crowd. We weren't very sporty, we liked books and make-believe, and yeah, we were all a bit "strange." But I'm thankful for the friends I had who got me through those years, because without them who knows where I would be by now.

In middle school, the bullying got so bad I had to have an intervention with the guidance counselor and the bully. For some reason, we BOTH had to apologize to each other, although I still have no idea what I was apologizing for. But I did it, because it was supposed to stop the torment, and I really needed some peace. Needless to say, of course it didn't stop.

By the time we were in high school, she had all her friends in on the game. In P.E. class, during our climbing session, she tried to push me off a log I was trying to cross. Some of her friends were in my biology class, and when I said I didn't believe in evolution nor did I follow the Pope's decrees because I'm not Catholic, they took that back to her. They all rode my bus home that day and made fun of me the whole ride - laughing at me, calling me stupid, etc. I tried to ignore it, but of course I heard it.

Finally, I'd had enough. I told my mom that I had been having dreams about beating her up, about killing her. I was so angry and frustrated and hurt, because I never did anything to deserve what she did to me. I spent a lot of time telling myself I was ugly, I was fat, I was stupid, because these kids made me believe it. I didn't have low self-esteem - I had NO self-esteem. I thought I was worthless. I wondered why I was even alive.

When my mom found this all out she took it to the bully's father, and eventually had to threaten a lawsuit to get her to stop. I had a relatively peaceful senior year, which included some of the "popular" kids acknowledging that I really wasn't so bad after all, which felt nice. But it was too little, too late, and I went off to college feeling excited that I never had to see any of those people ever again.

In college I started having panic attacks. I fooled around with guys because I didn't think anyone could possibly want me for anything more than that. After I graduated it only got worse. After several failed relationships left me feeling like no one could ever possibly love me, I realized the only thing I was good for was sex. That's all anyone wanted anyway, right? They'd get what they wanted, and then leave. No one ever stayed, no one who said they loved me ever meant it. I'm admitting this now because it's so important for people to understand exactly how little I thought of myself, and how little I cared about myself. At one point, after a very bad breakup, I almost drove my car over a cliff. The only thing that stopped me was my brother - he was in the passenger seat, and I couldn't take him with me. I couldn't do that to my family. I wasn't needed, but he was too important. I told him about it several years later - I told him he saved my life.

I dated a man who told me he wanted to marry me. By that point I was on antidepressants, and had just finished seeing a therapist because I was moving across the state, attempting to take control of my life by going back to school. This man assured me he was in love with me, that he wanted to marry me, and he also encouraged me to go off my medication because he thought he could fix me. I tried to make him understand that there was nothing he could fix, that it was up to me, and that the antidepressants really helped. But when I lost my health insurance and couldn't afford the pills anymore, I had to wean myself off of them. He got what he wanted - and he left me. He told me he was only joking when he talked about marriage. He said he loved me but he couldn't handle my depression. He said that it wasn't working out. How was I supposed to cope with that? The one person I thought would understand was the one who didn't even want to try.

Finally, I met Chris. I wasn't ready for what he was offering - I still saw myself as worthless. I knew that after he got what he wanted, he'd be gone, just like everyone else. But that wasn't what he wanted. I realized after a long time (yes, it took me a long time) that he was there for ME, and not what I could give him. At first I thought I didn't have the love left, I was prepared to be a spinster forever. He made me realize how much I still had left in my heart.

But yes, even with all the happiness he has brought me, I still struggle with depression. I feel disappointed in myself, I'm upset that I haven't accomplished anything with my life, and I feel like a complete failure. I'm on antidepressants while planning my wedding, which is supposed to be a happy time but for me has been a lot of stress. I'm so exhausted from not sleeping that when I take off my glasses it looks like I have two black eyes. Depression is still present in my life, but I know someday I will be able to live a fulfilling life. It's going to take time.

This confession was very cathartic for me, which is how I imagine Struck by Living was for Julie. She tried three times to kill herself. She thought her family would be better off without her. Despite being wealthy and despite having anything she could possibly want, she was still unhappy. She felt like she couldn't do anything. She felt disconnected from everyone and everything. Thankfully her family and friends were determined to keep her alive. Thankfully, she is still here to have written this book. I read it thinking, "This is me." I was never locked in a psychiatric ward. I never had ECT. I never made a plan for suicide. But seeing her feelings and her explanation of how she felt made me look at myself and realize, I will get through this, just like she did.

And if my post helps anyone like her book helped me, it will all have been worth it.

50 Book Challenge and Wedding (OMG)!

Well, I've finished my 50 book challenge for the year, four months ahead of schedule. This is great because last year I don't think I read 30 books, but I'm still going and I'm almost done with book 52. I'm counting the books I've abandoned only because I gave them a good shot. Hey, effort counts, right?

One thing that has helped me get through so many books this year has been Project Gutenberg. Since new e-books generally cost money, I'm mostly just reading new stuff hard copy, and reading old stuff in e-book format. Project Gutenberg has been helpful at getting me copies of Wilkie Collins books, so I've spent a great deal reading him this year and fall more in love with every book.

BUUUUUUUT... I don't have copies of these books! Which is driving me crazy, because I'm getting married in less than two months (OMG) and don't have the books I need for the table centerpieces. Wilkie Collins will have a table, but I only have two of his books. This must be remedied.

A few other authors who are making the cut:

- Katharine Kerr (duh)
- Dan Simmons (also duh)
- Ray Bradbury (also also duh)
- John Keats (is this list surprising anyone?)
- Neil Gaiman
- Naomi Shihab Nye
- Robert Holdstock
- Diana Wynne Jones
- Salman Rushdie

There are a bunch of other authors although we will probably end up not needing the entire list we made since so many people aren't able to make it. I'm excited to see the vision realized and get started on figuring out who to sit at which table. Chris has some input on the books too, but since he's not as much of a reader as I am, he only has a couple authors he wanted to include. The problem with that one is, he doesn't have a lot of books for that either!

I love book shopping, but I hate paying full price for anything. One of my favorite places to shop for books online is AbeBooks. You can get a lot of books for not a lot of money, especially if you buy a lot from one seller (they often combine shipping). There are also many sellers who don't charge for shipping. It's often cheaper than Amazon's used and new stuff, especially since Amazon tells the seller how much they can charge for shipping. You end up paying so much less for shipping on AbeBooks.

Where do you enjoy shopping for books?

Review: Water to Burn

Water to Burn (Nola O'Grady, #2)Water to Burn by Katharine Kerr

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


As the second book in the Nola O'Grady series (number of books as yet undetermined), this continues the story of Nola's psychic investigations into multiple realities, as well as more of the story involving the Chaos forces she fought in the previous book, License to Ensorcell. I'll start off by saying that I love this series and can't wait to read the next one when it comes out next year.

What I love about these books is that they don't take themselves too seriously. A lot of writers get so wrapped up in what they're trying to say that they forget to let the story do the telling. Water to Burn isn't especially lighthearted, but it's not dark enough that you are left feeling you just read a heavy mystery novel. Overall, it's a pretty quick and easy read, but it gets you involved enough in the characters and the story that you don't mind.

Nola is a pretty complex character for this kind of urban fantasy, and her relationship with Ari becomes more involved in this book. Let me get something straight here: The person who did the cover art totally got Ari wrong. Do you know who I picture when I read Ari? This guy. Right there. Yep, that's Ari in my head. And when I imagine him protecting Nola, and being her bodyguard, and being such a MAN, I admit I get a little lightheaded. So I can see why Nola would be totally hot for him, because hell, I am totally hot for him myself!

...Anyway...

Another thing I love about this book was that, since you really need to have read LtE first, the explanations of the backstory were short and sweet. I didn't get long-winded explanations of what happened a few months before, and could just move on in the story. It probably would have helped if I had re-read the first book before reading this one, but I still remembered enough of it that reading this one wasn't confusing. There are a lot of acronyms in the book, but they are spelled out in the back.

I'm curious to see if Nola will follow the doctor's advice and put on some weight, because quite frankly she's way too skinny, and I've only "read" her!

I look forward to reading the next installment, in the hopes that the storyline with Michael and Nola's father will be delved into next. It was a great plot surprise to find out that their father opened the portal in the house, and I can't wait to see how Michael's powers will manifest themselves. Also, I wonder how Sophia will adjust to the world she's entered and if she will be able to cope with her new surroundings.

This was a great book and I highly recommend it to anyone who (a) loves Kit, (b) loves fantasy, and/or (c) loves a great read that won't take up a lot of time. In fact, if I'd put my mind to it, I could have very easily finished this in a couple of days instead of the approximate week it took me.



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Author Q&A: Katharine Kerr

Time for a new feature on the blog! I'm hoping to make this a monthly thing, but for that to happen I need authors to interview. So if you know of anyone who would be willing to answer a few questions, send them my way!

So as this is our first author Q&A, it's only fitting that we have my favorite author as the first victim interviewee! That's right, Katharine "Kit" Kerr graciously agreed to answer five questions about her past and current work, among other things.

Kit's first published book was Daggerspell, which spawned a 15-book series that most of her readers just refer to as "The Deverry Series." In addition to this epic fantasy series, she has written several science fiction novels, and most recently has been working on a set of urban fantasy novels set around Nola O'Grady, a psychic investigator for a secret government agency that even the CIA doesn't know exists. The first book, License to Ensorcell was released this February, and the latest was just released this week: Water to Burn. The next book in the series is due out in February. Also of note, all of the Deverry novels are now available in e-book format in the US!

Are you ready for some questions?

Q: After decades of writing fantasy and science fiction, what led you to your latest series of urban fantasy?  Was it a genre you set out to write intentionally, or did it just evolve into what it is now?

A: I intended to write in the genre.  I'd pretty much done what I wanted to do in Epic Fantasy, and Hard SF is not really my thing.  The idea of Urban Fantasy intrigued me, though I wanted to do something very different from what I'd seen already published.  No zombies need apply, for one thing!  One night I heard a voice in my head saying "I'd just gotten out of the shower when the angel appeared", and Nola introduced herself to me.  We were off and running.

Q: You frequently say on your blog that your characters write the story for you, and that you often don't know where the story is headed until they tell you.  How does this approach to writing affect the editing process?  Do you find it more difficult to change things when the characters led you in that direction originally?

A:  This approach makes the revising process more difficult, I suppose, but I've always written this way.  I usually revise a book several times before an editor even sees it.  Once I have a heap of material, I have to shape and prune it.  My rough drafts are like neglected gardens -- overgrown and too crowded.

The characters can be very insistent, and they usually win.  Ari, for instance, was supposed to go home to Israel at the end of License to Ensorcell and stay there.  He insisted on coming back, and as he usually does, he got his way, because I could not write a word of the Big Farewell Scene, while the Big Return Scene practically wrote itself.  This left me scrambling to explain how he managed to come back against all rational police procedures.  (It becomes clear at the beginning of Book 3.)

Q: Your Deverry series has been released in a few different editions.  How have the books changed between publications?  Are there still things you would change about them today given the chance?

A: Only the first two books have changed.  Since Daggerspell was the first book I ever had published, it was clumsy in places, and Darkspell had real problems in one section.  When Bantam offered me the chance to revise, I jumped at it.  All the other books are the same in all editions, although the HarperCollins versions have British spelling throughout.  I would definitely rewrite Darkspell's "1060's" sections if 1)I had the chance; 2)it wouldn't be kind of silly of me, after all these years of it being out in the revised edition.

Q: You are a very vocal supporter of BookViewCafe.com, a distributor of e-books.  How do you feel e-books have changed the market for your books?  How do you see e-books changing the face of publishing? 

A: I haven't really seen enough yet to answer those questions!  I like BookViewCafe because it's an author-run, all volunteer co-op.  I definitely approve of authors taking charge of their books.  But it's way too soon to see if it will succeed in any large way.  E-books in general will, I think, replace certain kinds of mass market paperbacks -- the "fast reads", the sort of things that no one reads more than once.  They still have real disadvantages, however, even for that kind of book.  You can't sell a used e-book, nor can you give it or lend it to a friend.

Q: Several of your books are out of print.  What is your opinion of this practice?  Do you feel it benefits or harms the author when a book goes out of print?  Does it change anything for you or are you far enough along in new material that it doesn't really matter?

A:  It definitely harms the author because the o.p. book stops bringing in revenue.  If the book's a stand-alone, that's bad enough.  With a series, however, having some but not all books go out of the print is frightening.  If readers can't find the entire series, they won't buy any of the books in that series.  Soon enough the whole thing disappears.  When you consider that a well-written series takes years of an author's life, that's really sad.  It gives the author a feeling of real futility, kind of like a divorce would.  Years of your life have disappeared.

Not that publishers care, of course.  They pull books out of print quickly when sales drop below a certain level.  I've known authors who had the first or second book of a trilogy pulled o.p. even when the publisher knew that Book 3 was going to be published soon.  Which meant, of course, that Book 3 was an abject failure -- and the publisher blamed the authors.  However, this is one place where e-books might really help authors.  Keeping an e-book "in print" costs the publisher nothing.




A giant thank you to Kit for answering my questions and hopefully enlightening some of my readers on the writing process, the difficulties authors face in the book markets today, and what a fun person she truly is.  And if you're an author who would like to participate, please feel free to send me an e-mail!  That's all for now!  Look out for another post like this, hopefully next month!

Review: The Shadows Between Us by Tricia Levenseller

The Shadows Between Us by Tricia Levenseller My rating: 3 of 5 stars OK. I'm going to come at this from the angle that everyone (exc...